Thursday, 29 October 2015


Post-Crisis there will be no time for poetry. Don't be ridiculous. Pretty words are all very well but, unless they can be eaten or used as fuel or a weapon (an actual weapon that hurts faces, not a metaphorical one that hurts feelings) then they will not be on the list of things that people should be making.
Yet, no one in any semblance of power is against poetry per se, in fact they used to dabble a bit in their youth: song lyrics, stuff like that. Nothing published, of course, they never had the right connections. But, yep, they GET IT, so it has been agreed that poetry production will be ramped up pre-Crisis, in order to ensure that we have the luxury of lovely but utterly impractical language for the hundreds of years of long, dark, freezing, frightening nights to come. Human poets have promised to do their best to write more, but they are an unreliable lot, always waiting for inspiration whilst wasting hours and hours embroiled in complicated affairs with the wives, husbands and teenage children of other poets.
The POEM-PLEX 2000 is a custom built computer specifically designed to write poetry all day, every day. The software is currently undergoing final testing, but is already producing work that is empirically better than 94.8% of human poetry.
Full production begins next year, and will be organised on a regional basis – the South will specialise in Love poetry; the East, Nature; the West will produce verse about human existence, and the North about old stuff that makes you think about other stuff when you look at it.
Here is an example from one of the Poem-Plexes currently hard at work in the ARTS-GOV complex in downtown Bournemouth.       
There used to be a hundred words for this feeling
Now there is but one:
The love of not giving in and simply
succumbing to death, no matter how sweet it would be
We are all so very tired
but love is the fuel substitute 

that keeps our half-empty bodies semi-functioning
Go to Line One

Thursday, 22 October 2015


There is no doubt that telekinesis and other psychic abilities will be of immeasurable value post-Crisis, not least because they do not require any external power source. The strongest mentalists will be ‘recruited’ by the makeshift government / council of elders and will be coerced into using their strange, frightening powers for what passes for the common good. Ironically, it is more than likely that in all other parts of the country there will be a frenzied backlash against such powers, with old women, comely unmarried women, half-witted boys and middle aged men with large collections of things being persecuted for their alleged involvement in ‘witchcraft’. The crackdown will be cruel, illogical and obsessed with sexual torture. Central government will not intervene, as this activity will take the place of telly for a population who, otherwise, might notice that all of their hair is falling out and the milk has a green tinge, and so is preferable to the mass hysteria that a true understanding of the situation would inevitably bring.

Psychics will be used for all sorts of things, indeed, it will take careful management to ensure that their other worldly talents are not used for trivial matters like entertaining kids and saying who is at the door. Divination will be vital, particularly with regard to weather conditions and uncovering vital commodities like water, coal and edible roots. All skills are honed by practice, so the house psychics will flourish in a climate where their abilities are encouraged and valued and used rather than distrusted and suppressed. Over time psychic networks will develop: locally, regionally, nationally, internationally. Eventually, perhaps five or six years after The Crisis, there will come a time when the psychics, bolstered by years of practice and soundless head conferences, decide to make their move. The King will tell a psychic to do something and the psychic will instead raise their fingers to their temples and stare intently, and the King will fall back in agony before being hoisted into the air by the power of the mind alone and then flung across the room. Guards will enter the room to intervene, but will be frozen in their tracks by a quick hand movement from the now imperious psychic. This will happen all over the country, all over the world. The psychic will be King then, and they will be cruel and unkillable overlords.  
If you are a psychic, a mystic, someone who regularly experiences premonitions or déjà vu, someone who is unnaturally lucky, someone who says ‘I knew you were going to say that’ or texts someone as they are thinking about you; if you wear a non-faith based turban, or have a white streak in your otherwise jet black hair; if you have ever felt psychic vibrations, or smelled someone’s aura; if you see ghosts; if you can remember a time before you were born; if you can sense visitors, or hear vibes; if you can commune with cats; if you have ever considered looking into Eastern religions; if you like the smell of joss sticks and eschew footwear, if your kids creep you out and stuff in their room moves of its own accord, then contact the Ministry of Low Intensity Operations immediately. Or the Police, you could just call them. There is no cause for concern, but it is better to hand yourself in than be hunted down. You will be treated humanely, as there are now experimental methods to render you acceptable.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Thursday, 8 October 2015


The Smatchet was invented by Captain W.E Fairbairn during World War 2 and is a cross between a machete, a hatchet and a fat, angry knife. It is also heavy enough to be used as a face smashing bludgeon. Fairbairn was clear about the ‘confidence, determination and aggressiveness’ such a heavy weapon inspired, believing it the next best thing to a rifle and bayonet.  The Smatchet is not essentially a stabbing weapon, although it has penetrative capacity. Instead, its main application is as a swinging, slashing blade. Wielded with sufficient force, it will slice through most things, especially flesh, which is eminently sliceable.
The Carotid artery and the Sub-Clavian artery are perhaps your best bet for a swift conclusion to your fight, as a strong severing blow here will disable your opponent immediately, and kill them soon after (twelve seconds for the Carotid; up to two hundred and ten seconds for the Sub-Clavian). Other targets include the arteries at the inner junctures of the wrist or elbow, but this weapon is not an epee or a stiletto, so do not expend too much thought on a cultured technique. Put simply, The Smatchet is a hacking device that causes serious and unsubtle damage, so make sure it’s either in your hand or your opponents guts. Naturally, don't draw this weapon for anything less than a duel to the death, it will not calm a minor disagreement, only escalate it. 
The following film demonstrates some of its uses. A word of warning, the Smatchet featured is a product of an American company called Cold Steel, and those demonstrating the weapons are Americans, so expect some unseemly facial expressions and a certain amount of celebratory whooping and ‘hell yeah’-ing. Ignore this childish exhibitionism if you can, and instead concentrate on the very high levels of carnage caused by this great British invention. Of particular note is the way the Smatchet effortlessly slashes through the toe of a cowboy boot revealing the meat within, an essential prerequisite for the inevitable Transatlantic war that will start the moment the Yanks realise just how vulnerable we are.