THE CRICKET SEASON IS ALMOST OVER

Britons are the most civilized people in the world and we absorb concepts like charity, compassion, understanding and fair play as we suckle on the proverbial teat. Yet scratch the surface, throw in some mild peril, and you will quickly discover a steaming cesspool of inequality and horror, populated by savages that either want to kill us dead or steal all we have created, and then kill us. In some cases, they will also rape us. Then kill and rob us. In the worst of all case studies, we may one day even be subjugated and diminished until we fit snugly under the stack heel of a foreign aggressor. These will, inevitably, be lesser people than us, but, by animal cunning or dirty deceit or some sort of collective national balls up, they might just make us their slaves for a temporary period of time. To this end, anticipating the sort of shit storm The Crisis will bring, it is essential that we put away our innate kindness and decency and replace it with a steely determination to brutally kill all those who threaten our existence. Harden your hearts, they will not be needed for the nasty non-people who would seek to take our way of life and smear it with dog dirt. These will not, of course, be exclusively foreigners. But let's say that they are, and look at this graph to make it seem like a legitimate and pressing concern.

Britain's next potential enemy, in descending order of threat.

In a good, clean fight, there is no substitute for British nerve and sinew. But the fight ahead will not be good, and it will not be clean. It will not be cricket or, indeed, any well defined, carefully organised and impartially adjudicated sport. Our enemies can be expected to behave abominably, and no amount of stiff letters or representations to their corrupt puppet government will make them change their wicked ways. If you meet the enemy, know this: they are cheats who will do all they can to straight up murder you. Now, with this in mind, and your children’s weeping, wailing faces in your head, what will you do to them?

Not everyone can be an expert in martial arts, not everyone will have horny hands or spikes in the toe caps of their shoes. But everyone has a chance to live if they retain a positive mental attitude, lose their innate reserve and immediately mount a shockingly aggressive attack, following a few basic tenets of self-defence:

• All eyes pop if poked hard enough;
• Nobody likes being kicked repeatedly in the face;
• Men and women both have genitals in roughly the same area;
• Guns are for people who know how to use them;
• Nobody will tell you off if you kill somebody, we'll be past all that.  

Remember, you will probably be fighting to the death, so, in the crass sporting vernacular of the Americans, either ‘GO HARD, OR GO HOME’ - in a box.

Stay tuned for more guidance you really shouldn't follow.